January Blues

I'm starting to feel a little more like my old self after this latest blow. I've been through this now familiar cycle of being knocked down and then having to pick myself up again a few times recently and quite frankly it's draining, but I'm getting stronger. Some days are still really tough where I can't even look at a child without being sad, but there are definitely more positive days emerging. I've got so much support which I'm hugely thankful for, not only from family and friends, but from my fellow IVF ladies who have reached out to me and offered advice and love.

I'm a shy person and I sometimes struggle in unfamiliar social situations, some people even think I'm standoffish when they first meet me because I'm uncomfortable in new situations. One of my best friends even said she thought I was a 'complete bitch' when she first met me - a couple of days later (and a few drinks down) we were having the best time together during freshers week! Eighteen years down the line and my friendship with Zoe is one of my most treasured. Last weekend I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and I had lunch with a new friend I met at an Endometriosis group back in September. Tijen has also just gone through her first round of IVF and has low AMH levels too. It was good to discuss our health and fertility issues in a more comfortable and relaxed environment and get to know a little about her too, although the people on the next table probably didn't appreciate the specifics! The conclusion we came to was that introspectively we still feel young, a lot younger than our middle(ish) thirties. A couple of years ago we would never have believed we'd be in the situations we're in now, but similar to myself, she wasn't ready to have children in her twenties or maybe even five years ago. Like me, she's only recently been diagnosed with endometriosis, so she's still getting to grips with that side of things on top of tackling the repercussions. I still can't help but feel anger towards the doctors who have missed diagnosing me over the years; I can honestly say that if we'd been aware of my potential fertility issues a few years earlier, we most definitely would have started this journey sooner, now I just feel like it's getting too late.

I've recently found the strength to start looking into our next options and I've been thinking about egg donation a lot more. It's definitely something I'm slowly coming round to, though I would say I'm still not one hundred percent there yet. Some days I think it's the answer to all our problems, others I get really upset because I'm still clinging onto the hope that one day I'll have a biological child of my own. Last week, a colleague of mine told me completely out of the blue that she dreamt I was pregnant with twins! She knows nothing of our IVF escapades so hopefully it's a premonition and not a pipe dream.

This week, I've started to get back on the healthy living bandwagon. I've been back to the gym, kicked the caffeine, cut down on alcohol and started taking Ubiquinol supplements. These massive red capsules (according to 'It Starts with the Egg') are a more absorbable form of CoQ10 and are proven to help with egg quality if taken for at least three to four months - the time it takes for an egg to develop. I'm now taking quite a rainbow selection of supplements to improve my health; vitamin D, selenium, a prenatal, turmeric and now Ubiquinol. If we are to have another shot at IVF with my own eggs, I feel I need to be more prepared. Last time, I went into it completely blind.