January Blues

I'm starting to feel a little more like my old self after this latest blow. I've been through this now familiar cycle of being knocked down and then having to pick myself up again a few times recently and quite frankly it's draining, but I'm getting stronger. Some days are still really tough where I can't even look at a child without being sad, but there are definitely more positive days emerging. I've got so much support which I'm hugely thankful for, not only from family and friends, but from my fellow IVF ladies who have reached out to me and offered advice and love.

I'm a shy person and I sometimes struggle in unfamiliar social situations, some people even think I'm standoffish when they first meet me because I'm uncomfortable in new situations. One of my best friends even said she thought I was a 'complete bitch' when she first met me - a couple of days later (and a few drinks down) we were having the best time together during freshers week! Eighteen years down the line and my friendship with Zoe is one of my most treasured. Last weekend I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and I had lunch with a new friend I met at an Endometriosis group back in September. Tijen has also just gone through her first round of IVF and has low AMH levels too. It was good to discuss our health and fertility issues in a more comfortable and relaxed environment and get to know a little about her too, although the people on the next table probably didn't appreciate the specifics! The conclusion we came to was that introspectively we still feel young, a lot younger than our middle(ish) thirties. A couple of years ago we would never have believed we'd be in the situations we're in now, but similar to myself, she wasn't ready to have children in her twenties or maybe even five years ago. Like me, she's only recently been diagnosed with endometriosis, so she's still getting to grips with that side of things on top of tackling the repercussions. I still can't help but feel anger towards the doctors who have missed diagnosing me over the years; I can honestly say that if we'd been aware of my potential fertility issues a few years earlier, we most definitely would have started this journey sooner, now I just feel like it's getting too late.

I've recently found the strength to start looking into our next options and I've been thinking about egg donation a lot more. It's definitely something I'm slowly coming round to, though I would say I'm still not one hundred percent there yet. Some days I think it's the answer to all our problems, others I get really upset because I'm still clinging onto the hope that one day I'll have a biological child of my own. Last week, a colleague of mine told me completely out of the blue that she dreamt I was pregnant with twins! She knows nothing of our IVF escapades so hopefully it's a premonition and not a pipe dream.

This week, I've started to get back on the healthy living bandwagon. I've been back to the gym, kicked the caffeine, cut down on alcohol and started taking Ubiquinol supplements. These massive red capsules (according to 'It Starts with the Egg') are a more absorbable form of CoQ10 and are proven to help with egg quality if taken for at least three to four months - the time it takes for an egg to develop. I'm now taking quite a rainbow selection of supplements to improve my health; vitamin D, selenium, a prenatal, turmeric and now Ubiquinol. If we are to have another shot at IVF with my own eggs, I feel I need to be more prepared. Last time, I went into it completely blind.

Copper Coil

Yesterday, was another day of firsts. I ran my first ever Park Run and experienced my first ever coil removal sans anaesthetic - go me! The Park Run was a success, as in I completed the 3 mile course in less than half an hour, but unfortunately I was in pain the whole way round and suffered cramping for some time afterwards. Nevertheless, I felt a sense of achievement and the endorphins put me in a good mood for the day ahead, despite being overtaken by a man pushing a buggy (maybe more than one).

Later that day I had my final appointment with Mr Kalu before he was going to refer us for fertility treatment. We talked about our options and how he thinks referring us straight for IVF is our best chance given my age and the severity of the endometriosis. He said he would refer us as soon as I've had another hysteroscopy to have one final look inside my uterus to check for adhesions and a final clearing of any cobwebs. There is currently a three month waiting list at Kingston Hospital for IVF so all being well, I'll be able to start treatment at the end of the summer. Whilst, I'm not relishing the prospect of having yet another procedure, I'm looking forward to getting our fertility journey underway. After a few months of setbacks, things seem to be finally heading in the right direction.

Mr Kalu then informed me he was going to remove the dreaded coil. Gulp. Although this was my second IUD, I'd never been awake for insertion or extraction before so as I lay on the bed with my legs akimbo, I was a little tense to say the least. I could feel it scraping every millimetre of my cervix as he was pulling the wretched thing out, I can now see why women only have them every 5 years!

After a few minutes of chat while I was fumbling around for my underwear, which were of course tucked neatly under my leggings on the chair (I have no problem with a doctor studying my floodlit private parts but there's no way he's going to see my knickers), I asked to see the coil that he'd just removed. This is what he removed from the waste bin...

I'll just leave that there with you.

Tough Mudder Legionnaire

Two days ago I completed my second Tough Mudder© event. This was an achievement in itself (or maybe an act of sheer madness) but even more so with the uninvited guest that rudely showed up that morning. I'd woken up feeling nervous and excited but those feelings were soon replaced with horror - my good friend Flo was 8 days late and she had chosen THAT day of all days to make an appearance. F**k.

The inevitable bloating and cramps soon followed so I dosed up on analgesics alongside my protein packed breakfast and hoped for the best.

I managed to control the pain fairly well during the event, there were only three of us so we flew round the 10 mile course in under 2½ hours. There are certain times where being vertically challenged has it's advantages and doing any kind of team assault course is definitely one of them. I watched 15+ stone men trying to squeeze through small tunnels whilst I sailed though, I was never short of volunteers for a leg-up over the 10ft walls either!

Later that evening, I was curled up in agony wondering what on earth I must have done in a previous life to deserve this torture.