Baby Celebrations

It's been a bit of a strange weekend filled with highs and lows and everything in between, I've really struggled to cope with my feeling at times. I've not only had to deal with us attempting to do my first injection in my best mate's kitchen, but also the emotions that came with attending her surprise baby shower.

I'd been involved with the organisation of Clare's baby celebrations (the arty bits) for a few weeks so after working out the dates, I knew it would fall in the middle of my treatment and possibly stim injections. I also realised it would be mentally tough, as I said in a previous post, we'd talked about having kids together and here she is having her third and I'm still very childless. Ultimately, she is one of my most dear and cherished friends and I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

We drove up to their house in Wollaston, Northamptonshire on Saturday. Clare had no idea about the baby shower, she just assumed we were just visiting for the weekend, as we sometimes do. I did think she might find it a little odd that we'd decided to come up the night we had to do our first lot of injections, but she didn't seem in the least bit fazed by this! As soon as we arrived, the four of us went for lunch which was just perfect as I knew I wouldn't get much time to catch up the following day. Usually, on such occasions we might have a cheeky glass of fizz to celebrate our reunion, so this teetotal get-together was a very novel experience for both of us. By 7pm we were all in our pyjamas and Jon and I made our way into the kitchen to prepare the injections.

I think we'd both been contemplating the task in hand for a couple of hours, I was definitely aware that we were a little subdued. We opened up the box of Menopur and laid all 6 bottles plus the two vials of liquid on the counter, it seemed like a lot to mix for two injections. I was happy to let Jon play the role of chemist as well as nurse, but we pondered over the instruction leaflet for what seemed like an eternity before he took and plunge and mixed the first injection. He was being very slow and deliberate, taking time to make sure he had drawn up all the powder from the vials and rid the syringe of any air bubbles. On any other occasion I probably would have ushered him to 'hurry up' as patience is definitely not my strong point and I can be a bit spirited. The next part seemed a lot less complicated than the mixing and somehow, though both a little shaky, we managed to do two injections in my tummy with little fuss. Although this first attempt took half an hour, I felt proud of us.

Yesterday was the day of Clare's baby shower. I felt excited as I couldn't wait to see her face when we walked into the party room but also anxious to be spending a few hours with women I had never met before. I'm not great with all-female gatherings at the best of times, let alone when I'm feeling vulnerable and not particularly sociable. The surprise was fantastic, she bought into the story that we were going for a drink in the local pub and was suitably overwhelmed when she saw all her friends! They were all lovely and although I felt happy to be part of this special day, I soon felt defenseless and exposed. I was the only non-mum round the table and the only person not joining in with the clinking of Prosecco glasses. I even had my own plate of gluten free afternoon tea treats while everyone else shared. I tried my hardest not to come across as a complete arsehole but as the afternoon progressed, I felt like I was clinging to Clare like a small needy child, though she later reassured me otherwise. After all the present giving and games, Jon, Simon and Clare's two boys joined us and I felt instantly appeased by their familiarity. The most important thing to me was that Clare had a fantastic day and the smile on her face definitely made it all worthwhile.

Driving back to London, I felt a deluge of emotions; happy the day was a success, sad that I had to say goodbye to my best buddy but most of all, mentally drained and exhausted.

We did, however, manage to slash the time it took to do our second lot of injections by half. We're now practically pros!

Sunny Days

We've had a really busy summer so far this year, it's been lovely to immerse ourselves into doing things we enjoy doing, rather than thinking about the worries of the last few months and the inevitable stress that will come later in the year when we start our IVF journey.

It has been unseasonably warm for weeks, with no sign of the Great British Summer that we all know and (not) love. Even when I have bad pain days, when the sun shines, so does my mood - everyone knows I'm a sun-worshipper! I've had a few horror days over the last couple of months, but thankfully these have been far outweighed by the good ones and I believe this is down to good old vitamin D.

I've enjoyed cocktails at the top of The Shard, dinners with friends, a day at the golf, a BBQs at home, a hen weekend in Brighton, our annual caravan weekend in Dorset, my very first DRY Glastonbury Festival (weather, not alcohol), a weekend at Centre Parcs with the girls, a day at Wimbledon (not working for once), a couple of concerts (Mac DeMarco & Guns N' Roses) and we met our friend's brand new beautiful twin girls. That's quite a lot in two months but I wouldn't change anything, it's almost as if we've enjoyed ourselves to the absolute maximum before we start our travels on the unknown road ahead of us.

One of my best friends, Clare (who I've known nearly forever), also told me she was expecting her third child. Although I'm completely over the moon for her and her partner Simon, I can't help but feel a huge pang of sadness for ourselves. A few of my friend's pregnancy announcements have hit me hard over the last few years, especially those who are having their first as it means one less friend in my Non-Mum network, but this one was particularly tough. We often said that maybe we would be pregnant at the same time, she was thinking about her third child and she knew we were trying too. Now another bump buddy boat has sailed. So many of my friends have now completed their families and I feel if we ever did have our miracle baby, I'd have no-one to enjoy my pregnancy with.

Last weekend I enjoyed, for the most part, a tranquil break with the girls at Center Parcs. Most of my oldest friends live in Norfolk where I grew up, but Clare and I live in different parts of the UK, so it's rare that we all get together, especially with no husbands and children! Of course this was the weekend that my dearly beloved Mrs Menses decided to show up and pretty much destroy any hope of a relaxing weekend. Luckily, I managed to squeeze in an afternoon at the spa before she barged her way into my plans. The following day was one of the worst pain days I've had for a long time. I spent the majority of the day curled up in my PJs on the sofa, necking NSAIDs like they'd gone out of fashion. I managed to join the girls in the pool later in the afternoon, albeit with what felt like a watermelon under my swimwear, but at least I managed to leave the chalet for a couple of hours.

I've found myself at times, especially after a bad flare up, thinking about further surgery to completely free myself from the pain that comes with having severe endometriosis. I can't say I've noticed an improvement in my symptoms since my laparoscopy earlier this year, so apart from having the abnormality in my uterus removed, I'm wondering what good it has actually done. Mr Kalu has said this is definitely something I should consider after I've finished with my fertility journey, but because surgery can create adhesions which would potentially affect my fertility further, he has advised against anything drastic until then.

I've been reading a bit online about this and I've discovered because I have Stage 4 endometriosis, I am entitled to be referred for full excision surgery at an accredited BSGE centre. There is a list of centres on the website and I've already started looking at my options for the future.

In the meantime I'm stuck in limbo.